The Xmen Present: The Golden Goose
by Chellerbelle
Summary: The story of The Golden Goose, X-men style. Includes cast and narrator commentary. Just for laughs.


**AN:** I requested this one for myself. Hehe. Also for X PyrusAngel X, SuniGyrl and blackrose5242, who all wanted RoLo (Ororo/Logan). Okay the RoLoness probably isn't as heavy as it could be but we'll work on that.

* * *

There was once a man named Nick who had three sons. Their names were Victor, Wade and Logan.

* * *

Nick Fury took a long look at Logan, Sabretooth and Deadpool.

"There's no way I'm father to any of you hairy lot," he drawled.

"Got that right," Deadpool said. "We're all older than you. You're more likely to be our offspring. Except that you bear no resemblance to any of us and you don't have a healing factor. Perhaps you take after your mother."

"Who _are_ you?" Rogue asked.

Deadpool looked at her blankly.

"Oh, you're talking to me?"

"Yes."

"I'm Wade Wilson, also known as Deadpool, also known as the Merc with a Mouth. I like to kill people."

"We should get along just fine then," said Sabretooth.

"If by 'get along' you mean like a literal 'house on fire' then yeah sure."

"All right!" Pyro exclaimed. "Fire!"

**Okay, before this story gets any further off track...**

* * *

Now it happened on this particular occasion that Nick sent Victor out to cut down a tree and gather some lumber. He was given cake and a bottle of wine and went on his way down to the woods. Part way there, he came across an old man on his path.

"Good day, young fellow," said Erik. "Would you be so kind as to give me a piece of cake and a drink of your wine? I'm so very hungry and thirsty."

* * *

"Well that's degrading," Magneto said dryly. "I've been reduced to begging on the streets."

"Good place for you," Logan said.

Storm stifled a laugh.

* * *

Victor sneered at Erik and rejected him, saying that were he to share, he wouldn't have enough for himself and off he went. However, when he began to chop down a tree, his axe flew right out of his hands and cut off his arm. Thus injured, Victor was forced to return home, empty handed.

* * *

Deadpool cackled with laughter.

"Remy?" said Rogue.

"Oui, ma chere?" Gambit asked.

"I don't think he's all there."

"Possibly not."

* * *

The following day Wade was sent out to lop down a tree. Like Victor before him, he was given cake and wine, and crossed paths with Erik.

"Good day, young fellow," said Erik. "Would you be so kind as to give me a piece of cake and a drink of your wine? I'm so very hungry and thirsty."

"Forget it old man," Wade replied.

He then pulled out his guns and shot the old man dead.

* * *

**Deadpool! What do you think you're doing?**

"Making this story even better," Deadpool replied cheerfully. "Dismemberment is all very well and good but nothing beats a few good deaths. I will take death by dismemberment, if you want."

**Let's try this again, shall we?**

* * *

Also like Victor before him, Wade refused Erik's request. When came time for him to get started on the tree, Wade only got a couple of blows in before the axe cut off his leg.

Enraged by this impudence, Wade pulled himself up, hopped after the old man and cut his leg off before shooting him down dead.

* * *

**Deadpool! Stop that! Erik is still alive. Stop trying to write the story yourself.**

"Stop resurrecting my kills!"

**Maybe including you in this story was a mistake.**

* * *

Now Logan was not much loved by his family, so when on the third day he went out to cut down a tree, he was only given bread and water. As his brother before him, he too came across the old man.

"Good day, young fellow," said Erik. "Would you be so kind as to give me a piece of cake and a drink of your wine? I'm so very hungry and thirsty."

"I only have bread and water," Logan replied. "But what I have, I shall share."

* * *

A chorus of laughter erupted throughout the room while Logan and Magneto looked at each other dubiously.

"Like that would ever happen," Gambit chortled. "Logan and Mags having a little picnic together."

* * *

So Logan and Erik ate and drank and when they were done, Erik spoke once more:

"As you have shared with me, so I will share with you. Over there you will find an old tree. Cut it down and you will find something at the root."

The two then parted ways and as he was advised, Logan located the old tree and cut it down with his claws. At the root he found a goose with feathers of pure gold.

* * *

"Is his name Warren?" asked Rogue cheekily.

"I don't think so," Warren replied. "I've already been a seagull, which is degrading enough but a goose? A _golden_ goose? It probably can't even fly."

"I bet if I were to conjour up a good wind I could get it to fly," said Storm.

* * *

Logan picked up Warren, the Golden Goose and headed into town to an inn where he planned on sleeping that night.

* * *

"I blame you, Rogue. You put the idea into her head," Warren said.

Rogue giggled.

* * *

Now the innkeeper had three daughters, Jean, Kitty and Jubilee. And when they girls saw Warren they were more curious and enchanted. Jean decided that she must simply have a feather and so took it upon herself to try and take one as soon as Logan's back was turned. However, the moment her fingers touched Warren's feathers, Jean was stuck fast.

* * *

"And that's what you get for trying to steal," said Logan.

"Says you," said Gambit.

* * *

Now it happened that Kitty decided that she wanted a feather too. Unfortunately for Kitty, the moment she touched Jean, she too was stuck fast.

* * *

"Ugh, like, who would want to steal gold feathers anyway?" Kitty grumbled.

"Not me," said Jean.

"It would depend on how pure the gold was," Gambit said thoughtfully, then realised everyone was looking at him. "What?"

* * *

Finally Jubilee came upon her sisters. Like them, she also wanted a feather. Jean and Kitty warned her to stay back, but Jubilee didn't listen and the moment she touched them she also became stuck. Try as hard as the girls could, they simply couldn't get free.

* * *

"Such good girls and there they are, turning to crime," Nick said with mock-severity.

"It's just a story," Kitty grumbled.

"You can tell they're good girls too," Deadpool said cheerfully. "They have little boobies."

"What does the size of a woman's bosem have anything to do with good or evil?" Storm asked.

"Comic book artists. They're always drawing good girls with little boobies and bad girls with big boobies. And bad girls turned good with big boobs and good girls turn bad always seem to go up a bra size," Deadpool replied cheerfully. "Jean? Little boobs. Kitty? Itty-bitty boobies (she must be a really good girl). Jubilee? Little boobies. Mystique has big boobs. Storm.... okay Storm's an exception to the good girl. bad girl thing possibly because she has the whole 'goddess' thing going for her and no goddess ever has little boobies. Wanda? Big boobs. Rogue? Big boobs 'cause she used to be part of the Brotherhood. Tabitha, little boobs 'cause she started good. Aww soooo cute!"

"Hmm," Gambit said thoughtfully, leering playfully at Rogue. "I always knew there was a reason why I prefered bad girls."

"Shush you," Rogue replied.

* * *

The next morning when Logan departed, he took Warren with him and paid the three girls no attention whatsoever. As a result, the girls were forced to follow Logan wherever he went.

* * *

"You mean we've been attached to that thing all night?" Jubilee said, wrinkling her nose. "Eww."

"Serves you right," Logan said.

* * *

Now it happened that on their way to the city Logan passed by a church and Parson Kurt spotted them.

"Now see here," he said. "Aren't you three girls ashamed of yourselves? Running after the man like this."

He took hold of Jubilee then, with the intention of pulling her off, and likewise became stuck.

* * *

"Sucked in," said Jubilee.

"Why can't I just teleport away?" asked Kurt.

"For that matter, why can't I just phases us off?" Kitty asked.

**Because the golden feathers neutralise powers.**

* * *

Then the clerk, Todd, saw the train go past and called after them: "Parson Kurt! Where are you going? We have a Christening on today."

He jumped on after them, seeking to pull him away, but the moment he touched Kurt, he too was stuck.

* * *

"Toad? Working for a church?" Wanda said skeptically. "Like that would ever happen."

**I had to pick someone.**

* * *

It happened then that the train passed by two labourers, Piotr and Lance, who were busy hard at work.

"We seem to be stuck," called Kurt. "Do you supposed you could help us free?"

The labourers agreed and tried to help them loose, by they too, only got stuck.

* * *

"Can I get stuck to Kitty?" asked Lance.

"Why?" asked Deadpool. "She has the littlest boobies."

Kitty folded her arms across her chest.

"Would everyone quit looking at my chest? It's embarrassing."

* * *

Now it happened that the city they entered was ruled by King Charles, who had a daughter, the beautiful Princess Ororo.

* * *

"I'm king again!" the Professor cheered. "That's twice in a row!"

"I'm just amazed that Rogue and Remy didn't score the leading roles again," Wanda said dryly. "That hasn't happened since _The Frog Prince_."

"And what a lovely story that was too," Pyro said.

"I didn't like it," grumbled Toad.

* * *

Princess Ororo was so thoughtful and serious that she never laughed, something which concerned her father greatly. So he ruled that the man who could make her laugh could have her for his wife.

* * *

"There's nothing wrong with being serious," Storm said.

"Hey, now Storm knows what it's like to be offered up for marriage against your will," Rogue said.

* * *

It happened then, that while Princess Ororo was out in her carriage she and Logan crossed paths. She took one look at the train of passengers attached to Logan and Warren and burst out laughing, long and loud enough for everyone to hear.

* * *

"Like we couldn't see that one coming," Kitty said.

* * *

And so it was that Logan and Princess Ororo were wed and they lived happily ever after.

* * *

"But what about us?" Jean asked.

"I hope you've learned a valuable lesson about stealing," Logan said.

"Oui," Gambit nodded. "Leave it to the professionals, like moi. Why are you all staring at me like that?"

Rogue just laughed and kissed him. Logan looked at Storm thoughtfully.

"You know," he said to Storm. "I think for once they have a good idea."

"Oh?" asked Storm. "What's that?"

Logan cupped Storm's face in his hands and kissed her. There was a chorus of "eww"s from half the students.

"All right! Logan's gettin' some lovin'," Deadpool said. "So, when do I get to kill someone?"


End file.
